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David's Granola


David Dvorkin

Oh, sure, you can buy granola in the store. You can even buy fairly healthy versions in health-food stores. But even those fairly healthy versions tend to be loaded with sugar and may contain some rather disturbing ingredients. Also odd ingredients, such as dried apple slices. Dried apple slices! In granola! Why, if I were King of the World, I'd . . . No, never mind. That belongs on a different Web page.

Anyway, this granola is not only awe-inspiringly good for you, it also contains only what you put into it. I think the version I describe below will make you frighteningly healthy and fill you with a sense of smug superiority, but if you want to add even healthier ingredients, or leave out something you personally don't like, well, that's the advantage of making your own. If you do come up with an improvement, please let me know so that I can plagiarize your idea. Or if you have a relevant Web page or site, let me know, and we'll exchange links.



  1. Grind the nuts in your favorite dangerous kitchen appliance. Or chop them by hand, if you're a masochist. Tiny pieces are good.

  2. Mix all the dry ingredients, including the the nuts, in a humongous bowl. Mix and mix and mix. And then mix some more.

  3. Heat the slickum, the stickum, and the vanilla extract in a saucepan.
    Actually, that's the old fashioned way. It works better if you do it in the microwave oven in a microwave-safe measuring cup.

  4. Add the heated, goopy mixture to the dry mixture and mix it all up again. Use a spoon, not your hands; you'd be amazed how hot oil and honey can get.
    This is why you heated the stuff in the preceding step. Imagine how much more strenuous this step would be if the honey were cold.


  1. Spread the thoroughly mixed mixture evenly in two 9" X 13" X 2" cake pans.

  2. Bake at 325° for 15-20 minutes, stirring at least once. Watch for burning on the edges.

  3. Remove and let cool thoroughly before storing.
    It doesn't resemble granola when you take it from the oven, but it gets that way as it cools.


If you prefer granola that has a high degree of clumpiness, like the store-bought kind, you'll probably want to use more slickum and stickum. Try a third of a cup of each, instead of half a cup. Years ago, during a period of excessive health-food nuttiness, I tried making this granola without any slickum or stickum at all. The result was a bunch of heated-up flakes, nuts, and seeds. It probably was healthy, but it wasn't appetizing, and it certainly wasn't granola.

How much does this make? Lots. Oodles. Vast quantities. I suppose you really want to know. Let's see. We should be able to calculate it quite precisely from the list of ingredients. Add up all the cups. Ignore the vanilla extract. Multiply number of cups by 8 to convert to ounces. Add, um, 17.2% for the air spaces around the granola clumps. Subtract 1% for the cook's nibbling on the nuts. Finally, multiply by the conversion factor for converting ounces to chunks. And the result is . . . Wow! That's a lotta chunks! I told you so.

This granola will not only make you healthier. It will also cause you to dress casually, worry about the environment, oppose immoral wars, and vote for liberal/leftwing candidates. That's why you should eat lots of it.

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