Main PageBusiness Secrets from the StarsEssaysNovels & Short StoriesAnother Chance at Life: A Breast Cancer Survivor's JourneyTell a friend about this pageE-mail

Introduction and Table of Contents



Were I but King of Anglophonia

Vive l'Angleterre

English is a wonderfully welcoming and open language. Just as the English-speaking nations have for centuries taken in refugees from more restrictive societies, so English has long opened its arms to immigrant words from stodgy and hidebound languages.

Freed from the restrictions of their native lands, from rules and rigor and the oppression of privileged classes obsessed with what is linguistically proper and what is not, the immigrant words joyfully made themselves at home, took on the pronunciation they would have had had they been native-born English words, became proud citizens of Anglophonia, mutated, grew, and gave birth to healthy Anglicized descendants.

Do not insult the memory of their flight from oppression by imposing their old citizenship on them again, or perhaps even worse, by assuming that the were once citizens of a land they never even visited. Less metaphorically, the King forbids you to reimpose the original foreign pronunciation on an imported word. Even more sternly does he forbid you to impose a French pronunciation on words that were not French to begin with. Do not Frenchify or otherwise foreignize words that have become naturalized citizens of Anglophonia.

For example, anyone who pronounces sorbet as sorBAY instead of SORbett (from the Portuguese sorbetto) will be forced to sit in a tub of crushed ice for ten hours. In contrast, those who use the word sherbet will be suitably rewarded by his gracious majesty.

Movie reviewers (who, in Anglophonia, must never be referred to as "film critics") who so far forget themselves as to call a movie "an hommage", with the h silent and the stress on the second syllable, will be sentenced to one year in solitary confinement in a cell displaying on all four walls and ceiling and floor constant reruns of movies about wronged wives that originally ran on the Lifetime cable channel. Homage escaped from Norman oppression a long time ago, and it insists that its initial H be pronounced very audibly and that the stress be placed on the first syllable.

In the same vein, what may have begun as the mispronunciation of a foreign place-name by an Anglophonian is now the correct pronunciation if you are speaking English. For example, in English, Quebec is properly pronounced kwebeck, not kehbeck, and those who live there are Quebeckers, kwebeckers, not Quebecois. The x in Mexico is the standard English x and never anything else. Those who transgress these rules will be forced to always use the foreign pronunciations of all foreign place-names - Paree, Muhskva, Veen, Bearleen, and so on. Those who don't know the correct native pronunciation of every place-name on Earth would be well advised to speak carefully when referring to places outside Anglophonia.

Of course there are exceptions to this rule. Those exceptions have to do with what is pleasing to the King's ear, not with what is logical or consistent. The King is an idiosyncratic king. He does not approve of the excessive Anglicization of place names that results from ignorance. He spends much time in the southwestern United States, where Spanish place names have been absorbed into Anglophonia while in many cases retaining their old pronunciations. So it is that any Anglophonian who pronounces the name of the city in Colorado as PewEBLo will be sentenced to a year of a diet consisting only of tortillas smeared with the hottest green chili in the land. And no liquids.



Introduction and Table of Contents

Main PageBusiness Secrets from the StarsEssaysNovels & Short StoriesAnother Chance at Life: A Breast Cancer Survivor's JourneyTell a friend about this pageE-mail